I want to try and analyse my thoughts. I want to write, I guess a diary of my feelings and emotions so I can look back and work out where I’m going wrong. I don’t want to be self-indulgent, I don’t want to be melodramatic. I want it to be factual. I want to look back and easily see what is wrong, rather than having to read through screeds of over dramatic nonsense.
Today I have felt depressed, lacking in motivation, hopeless and empty.
I got around two hours sleep. I woke up drenched in sweat, again.
I managed to wash, though it was bloody hard to do.
Spent some time with my sister. We had pizza. I threw up quietly in my bathroom. I don’t know if she heard.
I’m particularly aware of my body. It’s flabby and grotesque. Bingeing and purging makes my stomach fat and disgusting.
Restricting my diet makes my stomach flat.
But I’m too out of control to restrict well.
It’s now after midnight. I can’t sleep. I have taken over 600mg pregabalin. I’m thinking about suicide. I have 1600mg sertraline I can take, but not sure if 16 x 100mg tablets will kill me.
I keep looking at the crisis number to phone. I don’t know if I’m in crisis or not. I don’t want to waste their time. I don’t want to present as calm and for them to dismiss me.
I have no idea how I feel. I don’t know if I’m in crisis or not. What is the definition of crisis?
Here is a very interesting article. I relate completely to it, it’s comforting to see someone else write down how I feel. It validates it somehow. See below:
Somethingg Profound 